An animal of few words

These are genuine vocalisations that I, as a guinea pig, regularly make:

Wheek - A loud noise, the name of which is onomatopoeic, also known as a Whistle. An expression of general excitement, it may occur in response to the presence of my owner, being fed or a last minute winner scored by a team I have backed. It is sometimes used to find other guinea pigs if we are running. If I am lost, I may wheek for assistance.

Bubbling or Purring - This sound is made when we guinea pigs are enjoying ourselves, such as when being petted, held or watching the Sunday of a particularly exciting golf tournament with a couple of players in contention. One may also make this sound when grooming, crawling around to investigate a new place, or when given food.

Rumbling - This sound is normally related to dominance within a group, though it can also come as a response being scared or angry. In these cases the rumble often sounds higher and the body vibrates slightly. While courting, males like myself usually purr deeply, swaying and circling the female, in a behavior called "rumblestrutting". A low rumble while walking away reluctantly shows passive resistance.

Chutting and Whining - These are sounds made in pursuit situations, by the pursuer and pursuee, respectively.

Chattering - This sound is made by rapidly gnashing the teeth, and is generally a sign of warning. Guinea pigs tend to raise their heads when making this sound. A more relaxed type of gnashing often means the guinea pig wants a treat that is somewhere nearby but out of reach, or when encouraging a tennis player to actually serve the ball properly for once in a while when there's money riding on it.

Squealing or Shrieking - A high-pitched sound of discontent, in response to pain or danger or a three putt at a crucial stage.

Chirping - This less-common sound, likened to bird song, seems to be related to stress, or when a baby guinea pig wants to be fed. Very rarely, the chirping will last for several minutes.

So, you ask, how does Steve Noire decipher my tips? In time, you will understand...